The Apostle Paul began the second half of the letter to the Ephesians with an appeal to unity (4:1-3). An essential ingredient in this appeal concerns forgiving others.
Forgiveness is the opposite of allowing bitterness and anger to rule in the heart. It is closely related to being kind, gentle, tenderhearted, and compassionate. In both Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13, the appeal to forgive is grounded in God’s forgiveness of us. God asks us to treat others as He has treated us.
The Greek word for forgive in both Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 is not aphiemi, which means to put away, but is charizomai. The latter term conveys doing someone a favor and treating the offending party graciously. This word is used of God freely giving us all that we need to fully complete His plan (Rom. 8:32; 1 Cor. 2:12). It is also used specifically of the fact that God forgives us of all our trespasses (Col. 2:13).
The Need for Honesty
One can never deal with personal bitterness until one first admits being angry. God graciously helps the believer stay in touch with his heart. This is one reason for the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Anger is a wrong response to a personal injury and is a universal problem. While not all people express their anger in the same way, no one is exempt from this common temptation. Some may express their anger very actively and enter into a rage or even assault another. Others may express anger passively by avoiding the one who caused the hurt. This avoidance may take the form of silence or withdrawal. No matter what the symptomatic expressions may be, the root of bitterness needs to be acknowledged.
You should never underestimate Christ’s compassion or His power to heal the hurts of the heart. The process may take considerable time. It may mean you need to appropriately confront the one who hurt you. The healing process will always involve forgiveness! You must come to the faith position declared by Joseph (Gen. 50:20). God is able to work together for good what is not necessarily good in itself (cf. Rom. 8:28-30).
The Need for Forgiveness
Until one obeys the exhortations of Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 to forgive, one has not dealt with his bitterness. A number of reasons may prevent a person from wanting to forgive. For example, someone may desire justice. In other words, he may feel the offender does not deserve forgiveness. Another reason may be the desire to justify oneself. A related reason for not offering forgiveness may be the desire to control another. We simply do not want to let that person off the hook.
God understands the struggle involved in obeying His gracious command to forgive. He motivates us by giving instructions about the negative consequences that accompany our disobedience. The one who fails to forgive can expect to be tormented by Satan (cf. Eph. 4:26-27; Matt. 18:21-35). The torment may take the form of feelings of fear, lust, and self-rejection. The temptation to succumb to these feelings can be conquered by aggressively dealing with the anger. If we are unwilling to forgive someone in our life, that person has an unhealthy control over us. Such a relationship will have negative spiritual, emotional, and sometimes even physical consequences (cf. Prov. 17:22; 18:14).
A lack of forgiveness can plague the heart with guilt (Matt. 6:14-15) and hinder one’s ability to pray (Mark 11:25-26). It also quenches and grieves God’s spirit (Eph. 4:30; 1 Thess. 5:19) and negatively affects others (Heb. 12:14-15). It can even affect one’s ability to think clearly in obedience to Philippians 4:8.
When one has offended us, we tend to see that person only as one who hurts others. We need to ask God for wisdom to also see the individual as a person who is himself hurting. God may have used the painful incident not only to reveal the person’s need but to expose unresolved tensions in our own life as well. One can get fresh strength from God by praising Him for His forgiveness. We can offer to others only what God has given us.
True forgiveness of others involves committing them to God. God’s desire for us to forgive does not mean He is indifferent to our own hurt. However, He desires to release us from feeling that we must even the score and thus create justice.
When true forgiveness occurs, we commit ourselves unreservedly to God to do what He asks for the benefit of the offender. If we are unwilling to do good for someone in our lives, we have not truly forgiven that person.
True forgiveness does not always result in instant reconciliation. It does involve working to build a bridge of reconciliation, but the other person may not choose to walk across the bridge.
The Need for the Cross
Jesus died not only to forgive us for our sins but also to give us authority over sin (Rom. 6:11). His death frees the believer to present himself to God (vss. 12-13). Anger results from an unrealized expectation. We may demand that another meet our needs to be understood, loved, and appreciated.
Our anger may be directed at God, others, or ourselves. Jesus freed the believer to yield his desires to God and to acknowledge that all that he receives other than God’s judgment is due to God’s grace.
Without the enablement of Christ, no one is able to live above bitterness. Each Christian should remember that within him lives the most loving and forgiving person in the world. Our indwelling Lord offers us the authority and enablement to forgive and to live above bitterness.